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My Pain, My Solace

I really miss you. So much that it hurts. The tiniest moment of vulnerability, the smallest teardrop giving up, sinking down from my eyes to my lips opens up a world of agony.

I will spend every single second of the rest of my life with you in my mind. Not at the forefront, but always lingering in the corner. Your voice will drift through my mind like a whispered breeze, the way it has done for so long. But in the cold, dark solace of night, I will hear your lonely sobs. I will see your flaming eyes and feel your heartbeat as clearly as if it were my own.

You will be my lifeforce and my insomnia and my source of energy and the death of my empty heart as it caves upon itself. You will propel me to new heights, to reach the peak of every mountain and walk through every desert. But you will throw me deep into the ocean as you do, helplessly watching me drown. Leave me to freeze at the tip while my hands ice over, numb, missing your fingers woven through mine. Leave me to burn in the desert’s embers, to turn to dust.

Some nights, I will beg you to leave me alone. I will beg you to just end the pain, to not kiss my bloodstained heart and then crush it between your palms. And then kiss it back to life as the inky red of your sins still run down your pale arms.

I will beg you to let me be. To give up. To stop telling me to believe because you know I want to. To allow me to let you fade from my mind first, and then my memory, until only my heart remembers to beat the way it once did for you.

And then I want you to kiss it one last time, before you crush it between your loving, sinning palms and allow the blood to run through.

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