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Grateful

Tonight, I'm grateful.

I can say with certainty that I've had an incredibly long month. The past seven days have been especially draining. I've written hundreds of lines of code (I counted) in a matter of three days. I've finally come up with a title for a manuscript that is taking way too long to edit. I've listened to thirty nine point five hours of lecture in the past week, and worked over fifteen lab hours. 

My days go have lasted from 6 am to 9 pm, Sunday to Friday. I've gotten up in the middle of the night, relentlessly scratching my mosquito-bite ridden skin, only to stay awake for an hour longer, wondering how on Earth I ended up in such a situation.

I multitasked, reading exam questions as I unloaded the dishwasher. Watching an informational video while I folded laundry. On Wednesday afternoon, I fell asleep on the concrete in my backyard with my face on a textbook. 

Simply put, I went a little crazy. 
And let me tell you why.

I'm in high school. Nobody told me to do this. I knew that last week would be hard when I allowed two college courses, studying for finals, a giant coding project, a weeklong academic camp, prepping for the school year to start, and my daily life (complete with chores and a little brother) to coincide. 

I have an obsession with being productive. Each day has a purpose. I try to breathe into it my spirit, my aspiration, so that every moment is a revolution. I want to be doing something. To be making a difference and improving myself and learning and pushing. I may seem overworked and exhausted and burnt out. 

But I don't regret it one bit. 

Because at the end of it all, I am satisfied. I am capable. I have learned that I cannot—will not—give up. That whatever it takes, I can learn it, say it, think it, do it. 

Some people are empowered by seeing others make a change. Some are empowered by hearing verbal motivation. Some by accomplishing things.

I am most empowered when I have been pushed to the edge, dangled over what seems like an endless pit of exhaustion and devastation, and have held on long enough to clamber to the edge and over it. I am empowered when I have survived.

Tonight, I am grateful that my week is over. I am grateful that the tiredness is behind me. I am grateful that I have had the time to breathe in the late morning air as the Sun wakes me—instead of the other way around. I am grateful have eaten far too many cookies and spent time with my mom and video called my friends. I am so sincerely grateful for all I have accomplished this past week, for all I have learned. I am so grateful for all the people I have met, and the new friendships I formed. I am grateful that I clambered to the edge and over it. That I emerged triumphant.

And, in a bittersweet, confused, delighted—perhaps even sadistic way—I am grateful that there is a tomorrow, and that I will live this wonderful, painful reality of discovery all over again.

To each their own,
Sam 

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